Loss Perspective...

Loss perspective is the lesson I've learned this week...

I sent my oldest son to the MTC last Wednesday. He was 6 when his dad died and has been by far my greatest compensatory blessing in the last 11.5 years. He is my best friend, biggest helper with the house and the kids. My new husband is great...but works a lot and doesn't help a ton with my kids because of that. So I have been a wreck preparing for Jax to leave. I have had countless people...I'd say 95% of Missionary moms tell me that it's like a funeral, feels like they died, how it was WAY harder than they thought it would be...then turn around and tell me how the 3 months before they left they fought all the time and couldn't wait to get them out of the house. 

Well, this info left me in a panic. I like my son..in fact wish he would never leave my house and he is my biggest help. Also I had someone die! I know how bad that was and the thought of feeling like again that was terrifying. I figured I would have massive post traumatic stress and lose my mind.

So the 2 weeks before he left were amazing. I cried a little here and there while we packed him up etc. but mostly just had this great feeling of peace, love and a profound feeling of how pleased I am with him and his choices. I thought it was a blessing to just enjoy him while he was here and then I could lose it after he left.

Then we dropped him off. He was so ready, we pulled up to the MTC and he said, "I'm ready and I'm worthy." and then opened the car door. That still gives me chills. He is the most amazing person I know. We cried and hugged and said good bye. It was perfect. That day I cried now and then but just felt at peace.

The next few days I was FINE. Surprisingly fine. Wondered why I was fine...just a blessing, being buoyed up?? I had mostly worried about myself before he left, but that shifted to worrying about him once he left. But still really fine. 

And then it hit me....

It's NOT a funeral!!!!! They are NOT dead!!!!! All these people describing it have never lost someone close...a spouse or child! To them this is the greatest loss they have ever experienced. It is a loss, don't get me wrong. But when you have buried your husband when you are a young pregnant mother...now THAT is LOSS!! This is no where close. He is alive! He is serving God!!! He is learning to speak Russian!!! He is LOVING his life...and HE CAN SEND AN EMAIL!!!! (wouldn't emails from heaven be awesome!) So no...this is not a death or a funeral...it's just not...at all.

So hope to you young widows and the fear of sending out your first born on a mission, it won't feel like your spouse dying all over again. That was my fear. I may experience days of worry and heartache for him...but I have lived through worse. And with 2 special needs kids...I have more worries with them than I can keep track of so I even have "kid worry perspective" too I guess.

When Jake died when I was 26 I remember thinking if your trials prepare you for harder things to come...I'm screwed. Well, turns out that having your spouse die when they are young just gives you awesome perspective and anything less than death is a welcome trial and feels like a walk in the park sometimes;)

I'm just hoping that this feeling lasts as time goes on.